Once again I’m writing my feeling here. Upon my feeling, there are a lot of things that happen. After she broke up with me! I was travelling in this world endlessly without knowing where I am going. Things happen and happen over and over again. I tried to think of running away from this pain and sadness with gangsterism. To be a gangster once again and let it be. Bad temper is back once again after broke up. I tried to stop myself every time. Yes, indeed I stop myself at first but tears fallout from my eyes at that moment. After a long wondering around the world aimlessly and chaos happened to me. I was force in the middle of the pain from the sadness and gangsterism. I have nowhere to go anymore. I don’t want to go back to what I am last time long ago. She don’t like and hate it as a gangster. I know but she just doesn’t want to say it out to me. My friends and buddy force me not to go back too. I’m in the middle of the question 'should I go back to what I am last time?' and 'I want her back to my side badly'. This is the night that I had my first police record in Melbourne. Is all happened at a club called 'Bond' aka 'Playground'. After I have some drinks with my bros nonstop and abit tipsy already. I went out to the smoking area for some fresh air. All I thinking in my mind is all about her and my tears fall out once again. Everyone there is looking at me and the security guards spotted on me. My buddy forces me to a place that I really don’t know where to go. He told me this on that night 'Don't every go back to the old self and be a gangster. If you do, we are not bros anymore'. These words I hate it. Because I already going through of hell stuff and he give me more pressure. I was force in the middle of bros and her. I really lost at that time I don’t know where to go. Should I run away and be a gangster or face it and tell her I still love you and wait for her. I cried and cried and cried. I REALLY CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. This is when I punch this glass window that is taller than 6feet tall and is very thick. The window broke and my hand is bleeding. I went off but I got caught by the security and stop me. After few minutes cops came and I’m in deep shit. First, I got a record on the cops file. Second, my hand is badly hurt and is bleeding at that time. Third, I need to pay for the window that cost me AUS$2140. This is when all the trouble and pressure add on. I can’t find the money at all. Friends, I really don’t know who I should turn to. I tried to ask my bros name is not listed here. Everyone all said the same to me 'I’m out of cash bro'. Now I can see who is real and fake. I keep it to myself. Only one person that help me 'FREDERICK'. At least he can’t help me much but I can see who the real friend to me is. At least I’m not alone. Even though is just one person helping me. Is enough. I thought I was lonely but I still have this only real bro who help me. At this period I know who is true to me. There is one person who offers me the money to pay of everything but I rejected. The person who wanted to support me through this and rejected is none other than the lady that I love the most until I die. But I don’t know why I rejected her. But at that time when she offer me I’m thinking of this 'She must hate me a lot. I done the thing that she dislike again. I’m a useless person who cannot do anything for her.' This is why I rejected her because I feel shame and useless. I want to show her that I can give you happiness and will not disappoint you again. So I tried and tried to find the money but there is no way for an overseas student to afford to pay that amount of money in 2weeks time. Until the last week I have no choice to ask my god parents and cousin for help. I got scolded like hell but in the end they help. I don’t dare to tell my dad and I kept it a secret from him. I ask my god parents and cousin to keep it a secret from my dad. After the window incident happened the next week is my exam. I need to study and find the money to pay up. I’m going crazy over exam and the money to pay. I really stress like hell but no one know. Only I know. No one cares and no one give a damn shit about it. But the happiest is about this 2 person who lended a helping hand to me 'FREDERICK' AND HER ALSO NON THE LESS MY GOD PARENTS AND COUSIN. Even though I rejected her kindness but I really appreciate it. I don’t know what is she thinking but she is willing to lend me a helping hand is good enough than anything else. After money is solve, my exam is just next 2days. I not yet study or anything for it. I was rushing all the subjects in 3days. Slept for 5hours in 3days. But I’m not sure can I pass it or not. After exam end I got a phone call from my dad's lawyer that he is terribly sick and my heart just fell off from me. My tears falling out once again. I’m so worried about my dad. I love him. The said my dad maybe need to go for operation. I’m so down and really lost. What should I do? Bad things are happening over and over again. I’m so scared of losing the one I love. First, I loss her. Now I’m so scared I will lose another one. Even though my dad said his alright but from his expression I can see that his really sick. His hiding it from me. Dad why don’t you share it with me. I’m your son and you are my dad. I want to be helpful in times that need me. Why don’t you tell me what happen? I love you dad. I love you kandi. I love you.

I watch a show that is very touching in my iPod while I’m waiting for my hand treatment. The main actor said 'for the one I love all I want is for you to be happy. Your decisions will let you be happy I will give it to you even it cost my life.' These ring a bell on me. I’m telling myself 'yes, I want her to be happy. Even she doesn’t want me back but as long as she is happy is good enough. I will care and protect her in the shadow without her knowing. I will try my best. Love is simple. Love doesn’t need to return the love. As long as you look at the person you love is happy is good enough.

My mom gave me an advice to me. For what happen in the past is the past. Is useless to think back over and over again. Think back once and know where gone wrong and what did I done wrong. Never ever make the same mistakes ever again. This pain and sadness will never happen on me again. This really tell me a lot and I already decided before my mom said it to me but at that time I’m still lost in the painful and sadness world. But now I’m clear. Even it will hurt or make me like a fool. But for her happiness I think is the most useful thing to do.

To the one I love kandi and my dad. Thanks to 'FREDERICK', god parents and cousin who supported me. I love you guys. I will never forget about you. I will work hard and never give up on my future.